no, he came in my armpit
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
