I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
