We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
