i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
