Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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