I hate your face
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
