you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The air was thick with penises
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
