No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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