dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
