when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
