I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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