Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
