i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
