loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
