those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
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I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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