Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
