Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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