I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
