So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
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