ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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