went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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