I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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