i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
