Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
