I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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