i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
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I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Be still, my beating vagina.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
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PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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