And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
