Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
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