Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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