remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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