Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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