someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
