Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I love you. Go after that dick
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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