I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
