I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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