Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
