I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
