After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
