Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If its not for food we ain't going out.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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