How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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