Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
