you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
