@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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