I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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