The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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