Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
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i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
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This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old