i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD