this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
