Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We are two peas in an std pod
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My penis needs a shock collar
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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