I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize