I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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