and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
