You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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