is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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